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How to avoid cheating: 5 expert tips that work
How to avoid cheating: 5 expert tips that work

Why do people cheat? Spoiler alert: It's not just about libido! There are various reasons for infidelity. Knowing them can reduce the likelihood of cheating that can ruin a relationship.

How to avoid cheating

You can prevent cheating only by knowing their reasons.

Why do people cheat?

The key to preventing cheating is understanding its causes. Infidelity is believed to be a sign of unhealthy relationships. But very often the reasons are very different, including social and emotional motives.

In 2020, Dr. Christina Coop Gordon and Erica Mitchell set out to figure out how coronavirus restrictions are affecting marriage. It turned out that during the pandemic, 17 thousand new users were registered daily on the dating site for married people, although in 2019 there were only fifteen hundred “neophytes”.

According to Mitchell, this is due to the fact that external difficulties prevent people from focusing on interacting with each other, which reduces feelings of satisfaction with the union and increases the likelihood of going to the side. However, quarantine is not the only reason for betrayal. Here are four more common causes of infidelity.

Severe stress or anger

“People under stress are more likely to pay attention to what their partners are doing wrong and are less likely to be satisfied with the relationship,” says Mitchell. This increases the risk of being cheated.

Anger and irritation lead to the fact that a person has a desire to punish the "soul mate", and betrayal becomes a tool for implementing the plan of revenge in life. This is especially common among young people, Mitchell notes.

Low self-esteem

Dr. Yana Hakatorn, assistant professor of psychology at Murray State University, says some people have an affair to boost their self-esteem and feel more popular. They want to assert themselves and do it, proving their own relevance to the opposite sex.

It is a dangerous and disturbing type of attachment that is formed in those who, in childhood, were not sure that significant adults would be there at the right time. Such people are more afraid of loneliness, they are constantly worried that their partner will leave them, and therefore they make other connections in order to "hedge". For them, cheating is a strategy that makes them feel protected.

Using dating services

Research shows that people who match on a dating app are more likely to continue looking for relationships online even though they already have a regular partner or are married. Tinder has changed our behavior: romantic relationships have been strongly influenced by the feeling that there are many potential partners and they are available for non-binding sex.

Dissatisfaction with sex life

According to Dr. Hakatorn, some people just want more sex than their current partner can give them, while others dream of practices that their other half does not agree to. However, there are also fans of casual sex, which is no different from normal sex except for its spontaneity.

What is treason?

The definition of infidelity is unique not only for each pair, but also for the individual in it. This is often the problem: we do not set boundaries until we encounter a misconduct, which, in turn, happens because there were no clear agreements on what is cheating and what is not.

So what counts as cheating? The answer is very simple: what you and your partner call it. Its definition often goes beyond sex: for example, you can be devastated and angry when you learn that a man has a colleague at work, to whom he tells good news before you, and trusts personal secrets and experiences intended only for very close people …

The boundaries are different for each of us.Difficulties begin when partners have different standards of fidelity, but the rules are not negotiated until someone crosses the line. Often, the traditional interpretation of adultery as sex only aggravates the situation - the deceiver appeals to the fact that there was no intimacy: "We just went to the movies with her, you attach too much importance to it!" As a result, the problem hangs in the air: if, according to one person, there was nothing, then there is nothing to understand either.

As family therapist Paul Hockmeier explains, it's not uncommon for people to rationalize their questionable behavior by simply removing the label of cheating. Most often, this "understatement" occurs in cases of emotional infidelity. Everyone agrees that kissing or sexting is over the top. But what if a man spends time with his former classmate and, although the meetings are quite decent, hides their very fact from you? “Water becomes cloudy when friendships or business relationships escalate into emotional closeness,” says Hockmeier.

The therapist calls small actions that do not cross the line, but offend people, micro-reading. How do you know what has come to such a fraud? According to Hockmeier, a person should ask himself the question: would he do the same in the presence of a partner? If the answer is no, then this is an alarming signal. This means that such behavior can offend or offend the "soul mate". It doesn't matter if it is about "dirty" dancing or talking about intimate life.

Clinical psychologist Karla Marie Manley believes that micro-reading often leads to physical infidelity. This happens when small gestures like Instagram likes hide the romantic feelings that a person has for someone who is not their partner. The micro-reading stage is the time when there is still a chance to consider your actions and change course before irreparable damage is done to the relationship. “This is a danger zone warning that is easy to leave,” says Manley.

how to avoid cheating husband

Microchitting is a type of cheating

How to prevent cheating?

Understanding the reasons for treason gives an answer to the question: "How to avoid it?"

Rule one: watch your emotions

It is much easier for a happy and contented person to be faithful. He does not need strange ways to increase his self-esteem, calmly accepts his partner's shortcomings and does not fall into anger over little things. You should monitor your condition and pay attention to depression.

As for your partner, it makes sense to regularly discuss with him not only the upcoming vacation or dinner menu, but also emotional experiences. This will help not only spot red flags that signal danger in time, but also establish a closer emotional connection, says Dr. Mitchell.

Rule two: set boundaries

This is one of the most important problems: very often people simply do not understand at what point cheating begins. Even with sex, everything is far from so simple: often, for example, men insist that while they are not going to leave the family, one should turn a blind eye to their intrigues. Of course, these characters are very mediocre partners who simply take advantage of the lack of established rules. Nevertheless, each couple really has their own boundaries, because otherwise no open marriages would simply not exist.

Family therapist Ashley Edelstein believes that honest conversation with your partner should be done as soon as possible. He may seem uncomfortable or intimidating, but in order to avoid cheating, first of all, you should share your point of view on this issue and listen to the second person. "Start by testing yourself for what you define as infidelity and what you feel okay." - advises Edelstein. And after that, you can proceed to the dialogue, asking what the man considers treason.

Rule three: learn to communicate

Psychotherapist Stephen Ing believes that communication is the most important skill required to maintain a relationship. There is no point in intimidating a partner: "If I see you on the other, I'll leave!" - this has not stopped anyone yet. The union requires an atmosphere of mutual trust and security.

Ing believes that there is nothing wrong with discussing attraction to other people: it is much better to admit that you like an actor, musician or a neighbor in the country than to feel guilty about it. It is better to discuss temptations - this will help you live your fantasies without turning them into reality.

Mitchell recommends being open about cheating. She advises discussing any topic: the main thing is to make sure that the conversation does not turn into a conflict. A great way to avoid this is to take time out and return to the conversation when the emotions have subsided. However, it is important that this is just a break, and not the end of the dialogue: such questions cannot be hushed up using the “pause rule”.

Rule four: learn to talk about sex

Stephen Ing believes that a man who does not know how to discuss sex is a person with whom you should definitely not start a relationship. It does not matter how you are doing in bed at the moment. If you are now having orgasms, this does not mean that the situation will not change.

Our tastes are transformed, and libido is also not constant. And therefore, it is very important to talk about sex, starting with your needs and ending with the description of fantasies. And you should also remember: such conversations are not limited to voicing desires and the requirement to satisfy. It takes skill to work out a compromise that suits both of you.

Rule five: ask for support

All the expert advice looks simple at first glance, but it is not as easy to implement as it might seem. We've been taught for years that sex is a taboo subject. Nobody taught us how to resolve conflicts without starting to quarrel. And even more so, people do not discuss betrayal before they happened: this is considered a manifestation of distrust and almost an insult. It is also not so easy to talk about things that cause violent emotions, and at the same time look at what is happening calmly and assess the situation rationally.

That is why it is worth contacting specialists who can look at the relationship from the outside, pull you out of the whirlwind of feelings and return you to the logical field. Do not be afraid to ask for help, because your union is a great enough value to invest money, time, and energy in preserving it. And if it seems to you that he is no longer worth it, then you still need support: it is not so easy to survive the betrayal alone.

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