"I understand that I am a boy": an excerpt from the book by Alexei Zhidkovsky
"I understand that I am a boy": an excerpt from the book by Alexei Zhidkovsky

Alexey Zhidkovsky - @zhidkovskiy is a popular blogger, whose bright, bold and provocative image has become the subject of keen interest of millions of people. Perhaps the main secret of his success is sincerity, humor and the desire to be himself. Book "One Life - Think, Eh!" - blogger's autobiography. Only frank thoughts, memories, a firm position in life and a long way to search for yourself and your real "I". Cosmo publishes an excerpt from Alexei's book - the chapter "The Art of Being Oneself".

"I understand that I am a boy": an excerpt from the book by Alexei Zhidkovsky

I have no gender dysphoria. I understand that I am a boy. What I have in my passport is the same in life. I am not from another planet, I am not of some third gender. I just like all sorts of female gimmicks, all sorts of gimmicks, all these jackets, handbags … It's beautiful, it's bright, it's a whole mysterious world with tricks and mysteries. I have a huge selection of colors and prints - even stripes, even tiger spots. Men's fashion is very boring. She disgusts me. I was already in such things during my school years, I experienced all the circles of hard labor and hell. I am annoyed by all these dull sweaters and jumpers - clothes to lie in a coffin in 5 minutes.

Accordingly, in my wardrobe all the clothes of the vulgarize category are both sequins and goose feet, bell-bottomed trousers, these are all kinds of colors, but now I have played enough and again return to minimalism, considering my past wardrobe as a kind of collective farm. I have a bunch of different models in different fabrics and with different prints. Such things can be coolly combined with each other and make complex images. You can't do that with a man's wardrobe. Everything is very simple there. But, as you can see, I am constantly thrown from side to side in terms of style: either I like the "peacock", then I again like minimalism.

Not everyone understands and accepts my appearance. But the society that discusses us and tries to impose its views on us does not mean anything to us. They do not support us and do not give us any advantages. I always tell you, living in society is not your advantage, think about the fact that perhaps the advantage of society is that it lives among you. Paying attention to those from whom we get nothing is the business of stupid and insecure people. You need to understand that you are not a hundred dollar bill and you cannot be liked by everyone. There will always be people who will judge you, just as there will always be those who praise you. You cannot react to attacks and provocations.

People will talk, talk and stop. One hundred x *** them in a wheelbarrow, and let them roll like sausage along Malaya Spasskaya. You can also understand those who react to negativity from parents or partners. Personally, I no longer get upset even because of the unpleasant words on their part, although I will not pretend to be a virgin, I have not received any nasty things for a long time. It is also difficult to avoid the so-called school bullies. These are directly aimed at humiliating or even beating them in public. The one who allows himself to ********** in front of a weaker one is himself deeply notorious. He does not know how to show himself, therefore he "buys" authority, humiliating the most unprotected. Such people are not particularly smart and solve all conflicts by force, and sometimes they shout more, although in reality they cannot do anything. They lack words and diplomacy to defend their point of view.


Sometimes they just want to fight for no reason. If you have met such a person in your life, then you need to seek help from stronger ones (only if the situation is hopeless, it’s not worth it for nothing, remember that this is regarded as ratism and will provoke the bully even more), starting with the parents and ending influential acquaintances. In extreme cases, you can go to law enforcement agencies. It will not be possible to solve the problem on your own if you are still weak both physically and morally. It's like putting a dog in a battle against an elephant.Foolish people don't understand words. It's like suddenly asking Mowgli to read Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace. The bully will not rest until they are faced with equal or more powerful force. Remember how in the 90s the issues were resolved: people paid money so that about ******** of the one who is a lot in **********. Someone got stuck in their brains at that time or were brought up by such people. Age does not matter, the ways out of the problems remain the same, the only difference is in the level of solution.

Nowadays it is fashionable to call all tyrants and aggressors of such a plan as abuser. But you need to understand that sometimes someone likes that someone controls them. They do not like violence, but strength, even the feeling that they may be afraid of someone. It comes from childhood. Such people received a slave upbringing - at first they were dominated by their parents, now they are looking for other masters. They willingly live with abusers, although they suffer. They are used to it. They are to some extent masochists who receive life energy from negative soil. Mom's friend - a psychologist - said that victims rarely write the statements themselves, not because they are afraid, but because they are happy with everything, you get used to everything over time, no matter how awful it sounds now.

Another type is people who endure violence in the name of some good: for the sake of money or status. Such are ready to receive n *******, but not need anything. The principle of life "You have to pay for everything." In addition to bruises, there are bags, cars, yachts. These are materialists to the marrow of their bones who understand what they are doing and are ready for a beautiful life at any cost, sometimes trying to escape from the terrible, depressive poverty in any way, finding the shortest paths to their own "happiness", and the main signal invented in the head on the case of questions from the outside, in case of condemnation, is "He is too influential, where will I go?" Personally, I am in favor of money being for money. That is, a girl from a wealthy family should marry a guy who has an equal income with her. If you want to become the wife of an influential person, then you need to immediately think over the possible risks. Everyone wants a rich life, sailing on yachts, getting Birkin bags for 3 million rubles, but everyone forgets that this beautiful life has a downside.

Do not forget that as everything is given, everything can be taken away. You will stay with x *** and with a nose. I have girlfriends who are kept even after parting, but these are isolated cases. If you want, you can even get away from the rich and influential. Let's say you live with an abusive husband in another country and he controls all finances. So sell the jewelry he gave, buy a ticket and run away. Even an influential person cannot control everything. There are no desperate situations. As a last resort, we have such an amazing place like the Internet. You can always write that something is threatening you and ask for help. If you wish, you can also attract the attention of the media to raise the hype. It is not known what the consequences will be later, but if you can no longer breathe in your golden cage, then try it. There are states when the present life is simply unbearable, and in principle it won't get any worse.


The third category is women who live with abusers for the sake of children. It's hard for me to imagine a situation more stupid than this. Children see everything and understand everything. Why do they need a complete family in which everyone is unhappy? The mother suffers daily, the child suffers daily, seeing the degree of experience within the cell of society, or, even worse, the beatings on the mother's body. His psyche can simply go, or he can adopt the model of behavior of his parents. The girl will think that bullying is normal, and the boy will physically humiliate his chosen ones. It is better to live in a single-parent family than in one where parents regularly quarrel, and children only adopt the worst.

In this life, the main thing is to remember who you are and what you are.You need to learn to love yourself and know your own worth, the price does not mean the price per night, but what you deserve and what kind of "wish map" you build in your head, of course, without fanaticism with something unrealizable, but when you go to bed sleep, just imagine how you would like to live, simulating your own, albeit small, reality. You need to stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself: "Yes, perhaps I am an ugly person, but I have a lot of other advantages."

Most people are driven precisely by the topic of appearance. Due to the fact that from childhood they look at ideal people from advertising with their ideal life, ideal family, beautiful movie actors. The stars have smooth skin without a single pimple, no one has bruises under their eyes, they are all pumped up, lean, and it seems that you are nothing against their background. In the video, we are shown happy, complete families, where everyone has breakfast together and never swears, hair to hair, children - as if from a factory for the production of an ideal. Do not forget that this is just a picture.

This is someone's fiction, and insanely meager and banal, not surprising, too classic, in the style of mother, father, daughter and son, the set is standard, because giving birth to a boy and a girl is an indicator of the versatility and exemplaryness of the family. Even these actors probably have skin problems, they just have three layers of makeup. And these actors have exactly the same troubles in life, which are accompanied by personal sorrows, but in front of the camera they are smiling robots. Advertising banners are the result of the work of a Photoshop wizard. Behind the picture we are shown are ordinary people with their paddocks. There is nothing perfect in our world, Lord, and even Kim Kardashian has psoriasis, which she does not hide, you know? But due to the digital age and technology, the "human" becomes oily - and only photoshop remains in the minds.

To love yourself, you need to focus on your strengths. Let's say you are an ugly person, but you have charisma, or a beautiful voice, or unusual manners. Maybe you have unique inner qualities - you are loyal, friendly, honest. You need to write down on a piece of paper what you like about yourself and what you don't like. I assure everyone has dignity. Let's say, in general, the appearance is not very good, but at the same time, the nose separately is thin and neat, and the eyes are of a rare color. After you have written everything out on a piece of paper, you analyze your cons and try to figure out how to fix them.

For example, women are often unhappy with small breasts. There are two options here: either make yourself new boobs, or find the pluses in the fact that you have them just like that. After all, thanks to the small size, you can sleep on your stomach, your back does not hurt because of the heaviness, and many men love breasts that fit in the palm of your hand.

Another corral - "I can't joke." I believe that there are no people without a sense of humor. It's just that some jokes are not for everyone. And some are silent, because they are afraid to seem stupid. Others want to appear serious. To pump your sense of humor, start watching the performances of famous foreign and our comedians. Observe what people laugh at, how the humorist behaves. If you liked something in the behavior of the other, take it.


In general, this is a universal method for those who consider themselves uninteresting or empty. I am sure that we are unique, but it happens that you give up and do not understand how to behave. In such cases, I recommend finding a behavior that you like. You observe others, note pleasant emotions, gestures and intonations, and then begin to repeat them. Yes, you will build another person out of yourself, you will be an imitator, but over time, the adopted qualities of others will synchronize with yours, mixing, and, without realizing it, you will add something from yourself, excluding the recruited basis and, as it were, updating its, as you update applications in the phone, it seems the same, but already something new, added by the developers, and so, these developers are you.

I have always disliked that I was too categorical. If I considered something black, then there is no point in proving to me that it is white. I will not change my point of view, even if they give me a million reasons. There is absolutely no categorical person in our company. I realized that she was my complete opposite and began to adopt her manners. I remembered how she refuses, how she negotiates, how she explains that the person is wrong. If I can say simply: "Fuck you!", Then she will invite the person to look at the situation from a different angle. Recently, during arguments, I remember how my friend behaves, and I speak her words, choose her communication format. Yes, I still say that white is black, but I'm doing it softer.

I recommend everyone to make a psychological map of desires, that is, to understand what you want to change in yourself, and what needs to be left, which makes you unique. We are individual, each has its own set of habits, special thinking and unique character traits. Each grew up in a different setting, location, and environment. No two people are alike. I don’t understand why to turn to psychologists, because they are the same people who rely on the books they have read and are guided by personal experience. Everyone can solve their own problem. You need to analyze the situation, put everything on the shelves, make a decision and start acting. Better than yourself, nobody knows you, not even your mother. I do like this.

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