Table of contents:
- I know I can die
- Lost sleep
- Happy meeting
- It suddenly felt fresh and spacious in front of the door with the Death sign
Natalia is 38 years old - the prime of her strength and abilities, and she is as if lifeless. Every day, doing small chores around the house, getting her daughter to school, sitting at work, she feels as if all this is not happening to her. Probably, this is some kind of protective reaction of the body, an attempt to hide from stress and escape from reality, because Natalia has myelodysplastic syndrome, which at any moment threatens to develop into acute leukemia. Natalya cannot allow this in any way - she is raising her daughter alone.
I know I can die
Natalya prepares breakfast, sees the sun softly breaking through the curtains, wakes up her daughter and feels that all this is happening as if behind a gray veil of unreality. She watches her daughter do her homework and does not see her. Instead of a daughter, a girl sits in front of her, who will remain an orphan, and Natalya wants to howl.
Natalia knows she can die. And this is not some abstract knowledge: she has myelodysplastic syndrome, which at any moment can develop into acute leukemia. A kind of hallway, behind the door of which is death. Natalya feels great - her blood counts are only slightly lowered. She looks great - beautiful, ruddy. Nothing hurts her. But she knows what's behind the door, and she knows that sooner or later the door will open. And this state is unbearable.
At first, from horror and fear, Natalya stopped sleeping. I wandered around the apartment at night, drank tea in the kitchen and walked in circles again. I tried to lie down next to my daughter so that the energy of children's sleep could work a miracle, but this also did not help. Then the convulsions began. For them came tears that flowed in streams, endlessly. She took sleeping pills, drank sedatives - nothing helped. The pills brought Natalia into a state of terrible weakness, even intoxication, but the longed-for dream did not come.
In the afternoon she tried to get herself together - Milana is 7 years old, in the fall she became a first grader, the novelty and bustle of classes, circles and lessons successfully helped Natalya keep her daughter in the dark about the disease. Once, however, she fell out - she screamed. Then she asked for forgiveness and held on with the last bit of strength.
Not that Natalya wasn’t trying to escape. She went to doctors many times, because this was the only way she, living in the Moscow region, could get treatment in Moscow. She waited, sought, asked for help from friends, scoured the Internet and spent hours watching videos with doctors. She knew everything about her illness, but there was no cure, and leukemia was getting closer. And then a miracle happened. In the corridor of the hospital, quite by accident, Natalya met a doctor from the same video - a specialist in myelodysplastic syndrome. I met and thought: “I wasn’t, I’ll come up and tell you everything!” She came up, told me and asked for a consultation. And the doctor listened, studied the extracts and analyzes and said: "Urgently for bone marrow transplantation!" And everything started spinning.
It suddenly felt fresh and spacious in front of the door with the Death sign
Natalia has no related donors. There were no suitable donors in the Russian registry either, but they were found in Germany. Donor search, doctors' attention and hope, great hope! It seemed to Natalya that in her personal waiting corridor in front of the door with the "Death" sign it suddenly became fresh and spacious. And the door itself moved away, almost disappeared. Natalia was able to breathe again.
You can help the Leukemia Foundation pay for the activation of a foreign donor for Natalia here.
Author: Maria Stroganova