"Not married" does not mean alone, "single" does not mean unhappy
"Not married" does not mean alone, "single" does not mean unhappy

My friends have a problem: I'm not married. Moreover, I have not had a permanent relationship for two whole years. And yesterday, to a colleague's question, "What are you going to do on the weekend?" I answered: "I'll sleep and bake scones." The colleague was so upset that I felt sorry for her and ashamed of myself.

"Not married" does not mean alone, "single" does not mean unhappy
"Not married" does not mean alone, "single" does not mean unhappy

I don’t know how to help people who are so worried about me. I would like to, but I can't. The thing is, right now I'm really more interested in baking English rolls than going on dates. I myself did not immediately get used to it. Almost all my adult life I have been in at least some kind of relationship. Sometimes imaginary, but more often - in real, sometimes even formalized. And two years ago, after parting with the man whom I had long and deeply loved, I decided to slow down. Do you know how a field is left fallow to give it a rest? So I wanted something similar. Be steamy and unpaired. To become a field that can easily stand for a season or two without regular plowing, hilling and fertilizing, may men and agricultural workers forgive me for this analogy. I got involved surprisingly quickly. In the world, as it turned out, there are many things, activities and people that are interesting to me.

Here are the scones, for example - try to find the correct English recipe. Or friends (alas, they are on the list right after the meal, that's the kind of person I am). Or long walks and bike rides, or books and movies in English and French, or lectures on literature in the park. I learned how to look for cheap flights and book small guest houses in Austria, and also to receive, without getting nervous, a crowd of guests and make pillows from scarves and blankets from tablecloths for them. I made a rearrangement at home, imperceptibly reminiscent of renovation, dismantled old diaries and photographs, found and gave my parents a cool cat, made peace with a friend who was offended at me half a life ago. I tried to skate and realized that it was not mine (the same with lasagna, ballet, India and Game of Thrones). I have finally written a book. Almost.

This is a very good life. Slowlife concept in action. I am in no hurry, I wake up with joy in the morning. And I feel happy all day. Only nobody believes me. Where are the men, they say? Where are the relationships? When will you, like all normal people, install Tinder for yourself, instead of doing nonsense? Sometimes I don’t believe myself. Especially when I tell someone how the day went, or about a book, about an upcoming trip to Barcelona, about a parental cat - I enthusiastically tell, and in response to me: “Ponya-a-atno … Do you go on dates? Who will you celebrate Valentine's Day with? " And for a minute it seems to me that something is really wrong with me. That a normal person on the eve of this holiday should run around the city and urgently look for some guy. Otherwise - not life. But then I change my mind and don't run anywhere. I stand still, thinking. People are generally easy to understand. There is no culture of loneliness in Russia. There is no word in the Russian language that can be called a free girl and not offend. In English there is a concept of a single girl, but what about us?

"Lonely" means alone and unhappy. “Not married” through “not”, that is, with a pre-laid negative. "Single"? Denial and depreciation (all girlfriends are in pairs, and only you stayed too long). "Free"? And what if you are married, then immediately a slave? How do you like the "old maid"? And the "broken divorcee"? What about the “straw widow”? So, verbally, our marital status turns into a defeat. Moreover, men have a wonderful status for all occasions - "bachelor"! Nice word, great meaning, lucky guys! Such are the stereotypes in society: a man can be alone and happy, but a woman is not.

Holidays are also stereotyped. Let's be honest: Not many people spend Valentine's Day with their loved ones. On the contrary, more often you meet sad girls who are waiting for "their one and only". Or men who are ready to take advantage of it. On the pick-up sites they write: “The best days for tackling women are February 14 and March 8. At this time, they are especially unhappy, vulnerable and ready for anything. " Those who have a couple boast bouquets on social networks on holiday or quarrel over the fact that everything went wrong. Little magic, but I want to hope. So you are questioning each and every one: what about you, what are you doing on February 14?

I also noticed something else. Truly close people understand that everything is fine with me. And the less familiar and strive to diagnose something. They say you have depression. Then, I object, I must feel bad, but I really feel good. “Well, I don’t know,” they sigh, “it’s better to go to a specialist.” And the specialist, that is, my favorite psychologist-consultant Nelly Yakimova, says this: “The influence of stereotypes is very strong. It is difficult to live and not pay attention to what is expected of you and even required by your family and society. It's hard not to succumb to pressure and not to declare war on those who believe that we are living the wrong way. And the most difficult thing is for those women who deep down (or even openly) would like for themselves something completely different, who feel inferior without a pair. In loneliness, as such, there is nothing wrong if we are talking about it, and not about loneliness. What is the difference? Loneliness is closely related to the feeling of need for someone and the feeling of their own inferiority, which the other is called upon to fill. Loneliness gives us the opportunity, time and place to meet ourselves. Only when you really know yourself can you prepare to meet others."

So far I have decided to talk less with people about the parental cat. He is, of course, cool and knows how to say "wow" and "come on." But, probably, my interlocutors reason like this: where there is one cat, there are 17, and a lonely old age without hopes. I will not disturb them, let them calmly prepare for St. Valentine's Day.

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