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How men’s petty habits can hurt relationships
How men’s petty habits can hurt relationships

Regularly annoying little things can undermine even a lasting union, experts say.

How men’s petty habits can hurt relationships
How men’s petty habits can hurt relationships

If it seems to you that you have studied your loved one perfectly, then most likely you really think. Tune in that the next fifty years will not be without surprises, and not all of them will be pleasant. Well, we must learn to accept such.

A soul, even if not someone else's, but close and kindred - this is such an endless corridor with a million doors. And until you open each of them, you will not truly recognize the person. But on some doors there is a barn lock, others can be opened only by passes, while others we ourselves do not notice. It happens that you walk along a well-known corridor, and suddenly - bam! - a closet, and from there something falls out that does not fit into your system of life values and ideas about beauty. To close my eyes and pretend that nothing happened will not work, you will have to figure out how to live with these discoveries further.


You suddenly discovered rudeness in him. For example, an old woman hesitated at a pedestrian crossing, and then he shouted something in the car window in the spirit: "Granny, I would stay at home!" Or he brought the waitress to tears, who messed up the order. Yes, you haven't watched him yet. But maybe the key word here is "bye"? Perhaps the reason for this behavior of a man is redirected aggression. Systemic family psychologist Natalia Smirnova illustrates her with the example of relationships in a pigeon flock, described in detail by ethologist Konrad Lorenz. In a flock, birds of rank C never responded to the aggression of individuals of rank A and B, dutifully accepting any pecks and kicks from them. But then these unrequited sufferers attack individuals of a lower rank. Now call your beloved doves! In the human "flock" the scheme is about the same. If for some reason we cannot pour out anger on the real offender, then we save it and then pour it out on those who are weaker, dependent, or not so significant and important. Therefore, alas, it is likely that when you lose your former attractiveness for a man, or, say, go on another decree, he will have confidence: now you are nowhere

get away. And you may well take the vacant position of an inattentive waitress (we are not talking about role-playing games now). Do not be intimidated and pack your things in advance - just try to understand to what extent this aggression comes. Perhaps these are rare outbreaks, after which the man himself is annoyed and embarrassed, he wants to leave a generous tip to the waitress, and to transfer the grandmother across the road at least five times.

Lack of tolerance

You consider the benefit of the doubt to be the best invention since the wheel and live by the principle "all people are good until they prove otherwise." But the beloved suddenly gives out in passing: "All Muslims are terrorists", or: "For same-sex love you need to imprison under the article", or: "Come in large numbers here …". And you never knew that for him "tolerance" is a dirty word. Systemic family psychologist Maria Myagchenkova recalls that men are by nature more aggressive than women. Yes, millions of years of evolution, cultural traditions and the sophistication of parenting have left their mark. And now they simply have no idea how to throw off aggression in an adequate form. After all, no one taught this in childhood. And Natalia Smirnova adds that in modern culture, the feeling of anger is also considered forbidden. The child in response to attempts to express the negative receives: “Yes, how can you! Go to the room and sit there, think about your behavior! " - and this is at best. In adulthood, aggressiveness, multiplied by a life position, is capable of taking on the most unexpected forms. But even if a man finds a more acceptable way to "drain" aggression (going in for sports, for example), the position in life will still not go anywhere. Maria Myagchenkova warns that it is hardly possible to retrain a person with such explicit convictions. And we'll talk about this in the last chapter.

Petty theft

You unexpectedly caught him petty theft. For example, walking through the supermarket, he ate a chocolate bar and did not even think to show the wrapper at the checkout. Or he brought three packs of printer paper from work. At the same time, he does not see the problem, because everything is logical: "The supermarket will not get poorer, but at work they could generally pay more, so they also have to." And here a very serious question of life values arises. As the psychologist-consultant Elena Mzhelskaya notes, it is impossible to agree on them. Therefore, for a long-term relationship, it is better to choose a partner in whom they coincide with yours. It would be nice to see how he behaves in relation to women, parents, children, animals, people of lower and higher status. How does he relate to criticism, how he shows discontent and a hundred other "how". But it is not always possible to see them. Maria Myagchenkova notes that when looking for a partner, we are often guided by the "mirror principle". If a man attracts us on a number of important points, then we automatically decide that the rest will follow by itself. And in other matters, he will be the same as we: feed stray dogs and respect any beliefs. And suddenly - a cold shower is poured over by the understanding that you are not so alike. There comes a moment when only you can decide whether you will be able to separate flies from cutlets - to love him for his kindness and generosity and not be horrified by kleptomaniac inclinations. In the battle of partner versus values, principles may well win. For example, the first wife of Ronald Reagan claimed that she got divorced precisely because of political contradictions.

Offensive jokes

Alas, this is not a rare situation: quite unexpectedly, in the company of mutual friends, he begins to let off offensive jokes at you. Maybe, for example, describe in detail your culinary fiasco with an omelet, which (ha ha) was supposed to be pancakes. As usual, the point is most likely not in the pancakes or even in the omelet. Natalia Smirnova claims that such situations are a sign that the offender feels unloved. Let's say his birthday present seemed silly to you and you made it clear. A man is hurt and offended - and these feelings make a person vulnerable. You can only allow yourself to be in a safe situation. But if a loved one hurts, then where can one find this safety? A feeling of powerlessness arises, followed by a desire for revenge: to make the partner experience the same. And offensive jokes can be a message: "Understand what it was like for me when you …".


No, he, in general, is not a greedy person, but sometimes … He can make a scandal for the cashier because of a penny shortfall. Or check the restaurant bill five times, and then ask for the menu and check all the prices again. And when you left the hotel, he took all the shampoos and even slippers with him. “Fu, what pettiness! Is this what real men do? " - you think. But there is nothing more meaningless than statements like "a real man should …". You can operate with the words "I like / dislike" and "I would like to." Talk to your loved one before he turns into a petty curmudgeon in your eyes. Globally, it will not change, but it may well get rid of the habits that hurt you. Maria Myagchenkova advises to remember about frugality as the reverse side of stinginess. All these gestures can be dictated by good intentions from the series "all in the house." Perhaps you will find something to learn from him and stop taking huge packages of yoghurts, half of which then end up in the trash can.


You suddenly noticed that in communication with the outside world, he becomes completely different. For example, behind the eyes he is indignant at the stupidity and incompetence of the boss, but at a corporate party he looks into his mouth, assent and giggles. What is it: cowardice, inability to defend one's opinion, duplicity? It's better not to guess here. Just ask about the reasons for this unusual behavior. Maybe my husband has a career growth strategy thought out for two years ahead. Yes, the most disgusting, but you are planning to have children, whom you need not only to feed, but also to carry to the sea twice a year. And if we break away from specific examples, it turns out even more interesting. Natalia Smirnova explains: "Systemic family psychology uses the following personality model: at its base is the core - I, on top of the shell - pseudo-I". The larger the core, the same I, the more integral, independent, stable a person is. The content of the pseudo-I depends on the environment, and it itself is necessary in order to adapt to life in society. If this part of a person's personality is large, then he is strongly influenced by the environment, and his behavior can change dramatically depending on the circumstances. Is it calm and quiet around? Will demonstrate the best qualities. But under unfavorable conditions, he will defend only the content of his I, that which is fundamental. Then you can see what size I have and what is inside. And only you can decide whether it is worth living with this I.

And finally, Elena Mzhelskaya told us the following story: once upon a time there was a famous child psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto. Parents brought their children to her and asked to cure them, for example, from enuresis or kleptomania. Dolto asked the parents: "Does your child suffer from this?" The parents shrugged their shoulders: “We don’t know, they never asked, but it seems that he doesn’t suffer.” "And who suffers?" “We are suffering,” the parents concluded. And Dolto invariably answered: "He who suffers should undergo therapy." The moral of this fable: if the actions and words of another person hurt you, but we are not talking about physical or psychological violence, then this is also a reason to understand yourself.

But you simply cannot close your eyes to some things: you risk losing not only your relationship, but yourself. For example:

  • cruelty and physical violence - no matter whose address, yours or another, weaker person,
  • uncontrollable jealousy
  • insults to you and to your loved ones (their own, however, are also no better),
  • strict limitation of your social circle,
  • total control,
  • outright chauvinism,
  • regular cheating,
  • alcoholic and other addictions that destroy him and your life,
  • the tendency in a difficult situation to side with those who are against you.

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